Have you ever wanted to just disappear? Have you ever questioned whether or not your life even matter to anyone or stood for anything? Few people can know the pain that comes with these thoughts, the heartache that accompanies them and the soul that feels like it is being ripped out of your body through the pores of your skin. When a person loses hope and all they see is a picture of darkness and loneliness never to end; They don’t see the light, they don’t feel the love, they don’t know there is something beautiful just waiting to show up tomorrow or the next minute. That is the person that is willing to end it all and I do understand that person personally because there have been times in my life where that was the person looking back at me in the mirror. It is only through mercy and grace that I was able to survive those dark days.
In this journey of a thousand miles through darkness and light you will find paths that lead you in different directions, down many long roads, some are darker than others and each path is extremely personal. Today’s path for me was a journey into the pit of darkness infested with vines that snake, twist, tangle and whose sole purpose is to choke out the light. Thoughts that want to take up residence, build a fortress and stay. Today was a battle but I know that tomorrow is a new day and tomorrow brings hope.
The mind is the devil’s playground. He will use any means necessary to stop you in your tracks especially when you are on the path for the One who matters. He will use any means necessary to pull you back into the darkness, back into the pit of hell. Today was a tsunami that has threatened my peace and my joy; that pulled me into a battle I was not prepared for and a battle that I didn’t see coming.
Today, was a day I haven’t had in a very long time; a day where the battle raged from the minute I woke up and as I write this the devil has finally decided to leave the battle ground. The last few months have been the most amazing few months of my life and my journey. I ran full on into a love for my Father I never could have imagined and in His arms I found the love of my life; and a joy and peace I never would have thought possible. I’ve been baptized and confirmed in the Holy Ghost, I have found a resurrection, mountain moving, healing kind of power in my Father and I know that every prayer is answered. I know because He has said He will give us what we ask for in pray. His word is true, dependable and rock hard. He doesn’t waver or waffle and He never changes what His word says.
Matthew 21:22 And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive.
My battle was the battle for the soul and a battle to stop me from walking with my Father. I felt like I was in complete darkness, drowning in an ocean of pain and loneliness. The devil said you don’t matter to ANYONE! He said you are going to be just like this; alone for the rest of your life. Your friends and family might for a second be sad you’re not here but they’ll just keep on moving along with no thought to you what so ever. You do not matter.
It made me questioned my ability to hold on in the fire and my ability to trust in my Father because I promised my Father that I would never turn away from him. The battle made me question if my life was even worth it because I have promised that the rest of my life I will follow HIM. The devil said there is nothing you can do or will do because I have promised to do what He asks me to do. The Holy Ghost confirmed last weekend that I will do what God has called me to do. I will help others heal, I will speak of His life, His glory, His power and the miracles He has done in my life. He confirmed things that I haven’t spoken out loud to another soul ever. He promised that If I walk out onto the water and believe in HIM; he will complete what He started in me years ago.
And he said, Come. And when Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus.
I have over the last year been at peace, joyful and filled with His grace and I am consumed with my love for Him. I’ve asked my Father to move me aside to do what He needs to do in my life, to use my life, my experiences to help others find their way to him. I’ve asked Him to become my eyes, my hands, my feet, my body and my soul so that He can use me. I’ve dreamed of a place where healing takes place, I’ve see His feet in front of mine, I’ve read His true word and believe that He created everything in this universe, I believe that He still performs miracles because I’ve experienced them myself. I’ve am so thankful for the healing He has done in my own life. I’ve said many times that He brought me back to life after I died in the desert. I breathe because He said it is possible to breathe, I live because He said it is possible to live, I Love because He said it is possible to Love. I hope because He said it is possible to Hope. The very essence of me is all wrapped up in who my Father is and He is the ONE who created it all.
I am so thankful that I have a Father that isn’t inside a box, that doesn’t live in Religion; He isn’t inside my head, He isn’t my imagination, He is so much more than words can ever describe. He is alive, He is real and He is my Gladiator, He is my Centurion, He is the one who holds me in one hand and fights my battles with the other. So no matter what the day held for me, no matter that today the devil was able to torment, taunt and torture me the night ends with me knowing who I belong to and that every mountain, every valley, every difficulty, every sickness, every hurt, pain, agony or sadness is already defeated. Thank you Father for your mercy!
Psalm 118:1 Oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; for his steadfast love endures forever!