` The Fire

I didn’t know what living was, I didn’t know that there was a Joy that settles deep in your bones and won’t go away even in the midst of chaos and a world falling apart at the seams.

Thank God, He has completely restored me from the scars that have been left by those I should have been able to trust. Deep wounds that were created by someone who mistook my kindness for weakness, who mistook my devotion to my family for weakness, a person who twisted and used my past and my strong will for a family unit against me.

The enemy starring directly in my eyes day in and day out. The enemy has a way of manipulating and destroying all hope.  The enemy shouted you will never get out of this, the enemy shouted you are such the failure. The enemy who didn’t realize that he should have just killed me when he had the chance, because when God walks in and gets a hold of you, when He steps in and fights your battles there is nothing that can stop Him. 

The little girl who had to fight for the survival of her and her siblings is also the adult woman who will fight for everything that she believes in.  God has stepped in and the enemy has no power to look me in the eye ever again. Why, because I am covered by the wings of the Father, I am shielded by His Grace.  He reached down from Heaven and breathed life back into my body when I couldn’t take another second of the agony. He reached down and whispered in my ear this is all for my purpose, so come on I’ve got you. He shouted to me that this pit isn’t where you are staying. You are coming with me for my purpose and what was always your destiny.  Don’t try and tell me differently because I know who holds my future, my tomorrow and my every second.

Listen to me say this with a conviction that only comes from someone who has by the Grace of God walked through hell and come out on the other side.  People are most often hurt by their inner circle, the people who are supposed to love them, the people who are supposed to have their backs.  They are the people who are the slayers of the soul.  

If you are the slayer I pray that you will really hear the cries of those you are slaying.  I pray you are convicted by the Holy Spirit to feel the pain of the person you are hurting and get the help you need.  

The enemy will manipulate, destroy, hurt you and then turn around and make it seem like its your own fault.  I was not the one who lashed out against the very person who was supporting you, I was not the one who yelled, criticized, and destroyed everyday. 

If you are in a situation where you are being condemned, belittled, hurt, criticized and hated because you exist then PLEASE call someone, reach out. Get Help.  There is help and their is life after the fire!   It is His promise, He will find us in our darkness, He will find us in the fire,  He will find us even when we have turned away.

I’ve lost many friendships due to the things that where said in my house under the disguised of being funny. If it hurts someone else it isn’t funny. I was the emotionally bartered woman who woke up everyday put a smile on her face, dressed up and showed up. I took care of my family the only way I knew and that was by giving all of myself to those 4 little ones who, if not for them, I wouldn’t have survived the years that I did. I wouldn’t have been able to protect them as much as I did. 

They will carry the scars because I wasn’t able to be there 24/7.  I wasn’t able to protect them from it all but I know that despite the circumstances they are strong, amazing adults who have the heart of their mother! Who have the fight of their mother, who will not let the things of the past dictate their future.  There were moments when I would let my guard down and I felt like we were on the other side of that emotional battering. Then something would happen and boom we were right back in the fight. We all walked on eggshells for years, I tried to keep us busy so that our hours in the house were few and so that my children would have a way to do the things they loved, but it was always about minimizing our risk to the enemy.

We could never be good enough, I could never be good enough. I could never DO anything good enough.

However, through the healing and walking through some really dark days and the brushing off of the ashes I have been restored, healed and I walk in the mercy of the Father. It is through the fire that my will has been forged in steel.  I thank Him every day for the mercy and the grace that He has given me. There is restoration and completeness on the other side of the fire..  I thank Him every day that I haven’t ever been one to hold bitterness and hatred for another.   I thank Him everyday for the ability He gave me to offer forgiveness when It was never asked for and never will be.  I thank Him everyday that I walk in Freedom and not in chains. I thank Him every day for the overflowing Love I have for Him because He reached down and plucked me right out of Hell and planted me in the place where He knew I could be healed. He reached down through time and space and Healed my heart so much so that it beats again, my lungs breath again, I love someone through the Love of the Father and that is the most miraculous and beautiful Love anyone can experience in a lifetime.

There is light, Love and FREEDOM on the other side of the darkness. There is a love that will reach down and pull you out of the pit, He will breathe life into your lungs, and give strength to your battered bones. He will wash away the ashes and in the place of the ashes new bones, new skin and a new soul will be forged.  He will wipe you so clean that the old you will no longer exist.  

It has been a little over 3 years since I moved to TN and His Love, Power and Spirit keep pulling me into His arms!  He refused to let me go even when I couldn’t feel Him, even when I had no idea how much He loved each of us.  He is your sword, He is your breastplate, He is your Helmet, He is your Sheild.  All the demons, principalities, and devils of this world can not reside in the presence of the Father!  So, go into the battle with Jesus! He’ll win every time.!

It seems simple, it seems easy; but when your in the furnace remember that Jesus is in the furnace with you.   Start my putting Jesus first in your thoughts and all that you do and watch Him walk into your situation and change if forever!  He will not only change your situation, He will change the very core of YOU!

We are all His children and He wants us to reside in His Fortress, He wants us to make Him our habitation.  So yield the sword, put on the helmet, wear the breastplate, hold the shield and walk into your destiny with our Father.

Daniel 3: 16-28 NIV

Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied to him, “King Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. 17 If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us[c] from Your Majesty’s hand. 18 But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.”

19 Then Nebuchadnezzar was furious with Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, and his attitude toward them changed. He ordered the furnace heated seven times hotter than usual 20 and commanded some of the strongest soldiers in his army to tie up Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego and throw them into the blazing furnace.21 So these men, wearing their robes, trousers, turbans and other clothes, were bound and thrown into the blazing furnace. 22 The king’s command was so urgent and the furnace so hot that the flames of the fire killed the soldiers who took up Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, 23 and these three men, firmly tied, fell into the blazing furnace.

24 Then King Nebuchadnezzar leaped to his feet in amazement and asked his advisers, “Weren’t there three men that we tied up and threw into the fire?”

They replied, “Certainly, Your Majesty.”

25 He said, “Look! I see four men walking around in the fire, unbound and unharmed, and the fourth looks like a son of the gods.”

26 Nebuchadnezzar then approached the opening of the blazing furnace and shouted, “Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, servants of the Most High God,come out! Come here!”

So Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego came out of the fire, 27 and the satraps, prefects, governors and royal advisers crowded around them. They saw that the fire had not harmed their bodies, nor was a hair of their heads singed; their robes were not scorched, and there was no smell of fire on them.


The Holiday!

On my way to work this morning I was thinking about this holiday and how much I enjoy the simple things of the holiday.  The true gifts for me are sharing a meal, the love that goes into cooking, and yes the cleaning, (I know 😀) the people (family and friends) the conversations, the laughter, sometimes the tears.  I remember the joy of watching my children open their gifts, I remember the lights on the tree, the ornaments and the special meaning behind each one.  I loved taking my kids to the soup kitchens, and food banks to pack meals for others.  I loved driving the neighborhood looking at the twinkling lights, I loved helping those in need, carefully choosing 4 angels from the tree and giving a gift that they wanted and hoping that a child would believe in “santa” just a little longer.

There has been a time in my life not all that long ago that my joy had been shadowed and over taken by darkness which lived inside my own house.  A darkness that would not allow me to go home to family, a darkness that wouldn’t allow my angel to sit on top of the tree, a darkness that separated me from my family, a darkness that permeated every day that should be special, every day that I would take joy in it became a day for fighting and meanness.  Even in my greatest times of prayer that darkness would rise up and become like legions to mock, ridicule and hate.

So, as I was on my way to work walking down memory lane The Father said You can choose to live in the past of darkness or You can choose to remember those moments that you were able to create traditions of making cookies, decorating the tree, Christmas music, plays, reading all of our Christmas stories to the sweet little faces of my children or of the times we snuggled and told stories, played games and giggled together.

My children all live in four different states and I am not putting up a tree because I can’t bare putting the ornaments on and remembering who gave it to them, what age they were and the special memories of where it came from.  I can’t bare not hearing them argue over whose ornaments was whose and seeing their hands put the ornaments on the tree.

However, during my reading today the Father reminded me to trust Him completely with the past to leave it and to continue to move forward in His love and His strength.  He reminded me to see the joy in the all the blessings that He has poured out in my life.  He reminded me that my future can’t be seen by looking back because that window only wants to bring me death much like Lot’s wife who looked back.  He reminded me too stay steadfast in His love to hold onto to Him when I feel unsteady, unsure, and like an outsider looking into a life as it should have been.  Although my life is forever changed it has changed for the better and I know that He has restored, He has healed and He provides all our needs.  He answers today the prayers of our hearts and He will give a home of laughter, light and love where no darkness can be because Our Father is first, center and last.  A home of peace and mercy, forgiveness and LOVE!

His love is perfect, it’s peaceful and merciful because there are days when we all need mercy.  Mercy from the thoughts, the hurt and the baggage that gets so heavy.  David was chosen from the least to showcase Gods true glory. his defeat of Goliath was a true showing of Gods glory and as I read how as a shepherd who took such loving care of his fathers’ sheep, took off the armor of King Saul in complete confidence that His Lord would provide the way to defeating the enemy of Israel, the enemy who mocked and taunted.

I can’t help but understand that it was so much more than taking off an armor he was unfamiliar with and that was too heavy.  It was a spiritual reliance on our Father and a spiritual show of not taking up what belonged to someone else and taking it on yourself.   David left the Kings sword and took only the tools our Father had equipped him with; his shepherd staff and 5 stones in a bag with his slingshot.

It all brought me back to the conversation on my way to work with our Father.  We have a decision to make take off or put on all the regrets of our lives and walk in those regrets or we can walk-in His strength and Power when we have none!

If you are struggling as so many of us do this time of year.  Walk in confidence that you can make a choice just as I do.  A choice to know that My Father is the Home I will reside in, the hand I will hold and His promise that just like David He will make a way, equip you and hold you steady.  You have the choice to live in the past regrets or live in His promise of a better future.  I know from personal experience that when you look forward He will bring into your life a love you never thought possible and a life you never imagined.  He will because He promises He will.  Why???  All to show His glory, His strength, His Power and HIS LOVE through you.

What will you chose?




The Message…

Do you know how much He loves you and me?  Do you see the Love?  Do you feel the Love?  Do you know that He is the ultimate Love of our souls?  He knows our names, every single one of us, He knows our dreams, He knows our passions, He knows our hearts, He knows our gifts.  How do I know because He gave them all to us before we were even born into this world?  He gives us new dreams and new visions as we grow in His love and as we understand His words.

Psalm 103: 1-2 (KJV)
1 Bless the Lord, O my soul: and all that is within me, bless his holy name. 2 Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits:

Today as I read and listen, as I spend time in quiet reflection of a life lived and a life yet to come.  I know that the road gets rugged and the path becomes hazy; when I doubt and am unsure of the why’s; when I do things, I shouldn’t do; when I say the wrong thing, even when I hurt someone or don’t hold someone up when they need it.  When words fail me and my soul can’t handle the evil in the world; when He tells me to give someone a message and I don’t because I’m not confident that the other person wants to hear it, even when I fail and disappoint Him! He stills LOVES me… and YOU!

Psalm 103: 3-4 (KJV)
3 Who forgiveth all thine iniquities; who healeth all thy diseases; Who redeemeth thy life from destruction; who crowneth thee with lovingkindness and tender mercies;

Psalm 103 is a promise and a description of just how much He loves us… YOU and I were created in HIS image. We were created for His Joy, He forgives ALL (not part) of our behaviors, He heals all our diseases. (the diseases of our mind and our bodies and the ones that are deep in our soul) He has saved us from death and crowned every one of us in Love and MERCY. So, powerful and great is His mercy and grace that He chooses not to even see our behaviors; they have been wiped out by Jesus’ blood.

Genesis 1:27 (KJV)
27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.

He gave us a way home to Him because He couldn’t stand the fact that we are so undeserving to be with Him. Our way Home is in the form of His child that came into this world as a baby, grew up in this world just like us.  He had to learn to crawl, He had to learn to walk, He had to learn to run, He walked our streets, walked our paths, worked, lived side by side with us. He loved with greater capacity than any of us ever could, He experienced love and anger, loss and sorrow, He laughed and wept. He willingly gave His life for us! So, that we can live with our Father forever in a place far more beautiful and grand that this earthly home!

1 John 4:9 (KJV)
9 In this was manifested the love of God toward us, because that God sent his only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through him.

This is a description of how much YOU are Loved!!! If you are experiencing pain, hurt, defeat, doubt, and fear let this message be the one that holds you through the long dark night until You can see the light because His LOVE never ends, it never will and that is a promise YOU can hold onto! I’ve had many nights and days that I’ve only had enough power in me to say Please God I need you! I’ve had to say it over and over it became my lifeline in the dark as I’ve had to hold on. You can be assured that no matter where you are in the darkness or the light He is there holding you, He is feeling every ounce of your agony and your joy!

The hardest thing to do is to rejoice in the middle of trials but rejoicing is how we press in during the storms. Rejoicing is different for you and me it can be quiet and peaceful or falling at His feet. For some, it is shouting to the rafters.  Rejoicing can be in writing, drawing, and dancing. It can be holding the hand of another who needs comfort; it can be praying through His word or gazing at the beauty of the world He created for us. Rejoicing is intensely personal and I believe that our Father knows exactly what my and your rejoicing looks like.  I encourage you to rejoice with Him, talk with Him, walk with Him, dance for just Him, Love with Him and believe in His all-consuming LOVE for YOU.

The message today is that HIS breathing word is full of HIS LOVE for you!

Psalm 103: 10-12 He hath not dealt with us after our sins; nor rewarded us according to our iniquities.
11 For as the heaven is high above the earth, so great is his mercy toward them that fear him.
12 As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us.

The Oasis

Do you ever feel like you are wondering and waiting? Wondering why the path you thought you were so sure of isn’t happening?  Questioning what you know He has put on your heart to do with the rest of your life?  Questioning your own abilities?  Unsure of the direction, unsure of the path, unsure of the plan? Unsure of the Why?  I get fearfully at times in the quiet and waiting.  I wonder is this a roadblock, a stop sign, or just a hold on a minute or NO.  I am the person who has to understand, I’m person who has to have clarity and a sense of security so I tend to question.  I question myself to determine where I’m at emotionally, physically, spiritually.   I question myself as to what I’m doing and the why behind it all.  The answers are not always available and that causes uncertainty and fear.

An Oasis is a place in the desert where the area around it is full of life and where you can find water.  It can be a place of refuge, relief,  growth, strengthening and change.  Growth, strengthening and change especially when it alters the soul is often times painful and beautiful at the same time.   As I’ve walked through my own personal desert I feel like He has allowed me to come to my Oasis; a place of rest and restoration, growth and change. I know that He has allowed me to become the person that I was always meant to be. The person who sees people and life through a different lens, the person who will forever walk the path that leads to Him no matter where that journey might lead me. He knows my heart, He knows my soul and He knows how much I believe in Him and Love Him.  He also knows my tendency to question, to reflect, to be a doer and how hard it is for me to wait when it’s my passion and my dreams to help others along their own path to healing and to the Father.  I am grateful that He forgives me when I am frustrated with the waiting and say OK… Father aren’t we ready yet? When are we going to move?

1 Samuel 16:7  “Do not look at his appearance or at the height of his stature, because I have rejected him; for God sees not as man sees, for man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.”

As look at my walk through my own personal desert I know that I pulled and pushed a suitcase overflowing with things, some I packed in that suitcase myself and some was packed by others. It was a life time of words spoken into my life, it was their labels, their pasts, their rocks, their beliefs, their anger. These things overflowed from my suitcase and grew into shackles on my feet and hands, they became the cinder blocks I carried on my shoulders, and they became the brick walls where I was able to hid a little girl, a young woman and a mother.

So, as I have wandered the desert lost and unsure.  Today I can say with a grateful heart that God it was time to break down the brick walls so that His light can get in. He said; it is time to break down the iron gate around your heart, so that you can feel LOVE.   He said; we have to burn out all the diseased parts of your broken heart, so that you can have a new heart full of me. He said; it is time to throw off the cinder block on your shoulders so you can walk up right again.   Finally, He said; it is time to cut off the shackles that bind you to a past that wasn’t meant for you and can no longer contain you. He said; I have carried you through the desert, I held you in the fire, I have given you my sword, I have protected you each step of the way so that you can become a completely new person in me for my glory.  It is time to enter into the Oasis I’ve created for you.

Most of you have been on this journey with me and know the amount of work that it has taken to be committed to living a different life, to be committed to walking on His path, to be committed to the healing of my mind, my body and my soul, to be committed to hearing His voice and feeling His presence; to desperately seek Him and feel Him every day until the day He says come home.  I am grateful that I cannot imagine a day without Him in my life.

If you are like me the time in the Oasis is peaceful but difficult. The quiet eats at me sometimes, it brushes against me like a thorny branch that wants to scratch and tear at my mind, my soul. There are times when It leaves me feeling like an outsider to an inside world; like I’m seeing my world through a rainy veil, there but shadowy and out of focus.

I know that you and I can be assured from His word that the time in the Oasis is a time where my Father is saying to hold on, it is a time to conserve your strength, it is a time to learn how to press in with desperation, it is a time to quiet the mind and know stillness in Him, it is a time to listen, it is a time that is building your faith, it is a time to lean into me and to know me.  It is a time to know the sound of my voice, to know the sound of my heartbeat, to know the language only you can understand.  It is a time to LET GO and become the vessel I need you to be, To LET GO of what you have known me to be, to LET GO of who you THINK I am or who you THINK I should be.  It is a time to LET Go of your expectations and your attachments.  It is a time to Just Breathe… breathe in my word, breathe in my presence, breathe in my GRACE, Breathe in my JOY, day by day, moment by moment.

Ecclesiastes 3:1  To everything there is a season, and a purpose under heaven. 

So Father, today as I became aware of my oasis. I’m grateful for every second of waiting and quiet, I am grateful for every second of the learning and pressing in, I’m grateful for the knowledge that you have chosen this life I’ve had to fulfill your purpose. I’m grateful that you have given me the life I’ve wanted; to be surrounded by your love, to do your work and to help others along their path to healing. I am grateful that you gave me your sword, I’m grateful that you held me during the fire and carried me through the desert to lead me to my Oasis. I’m grateful that I have experienced the miracle of Faith and Love.

Hebrews 1:1  Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen. 

If you are in the desert or in the oasis, I promise that our Father is with you, holding you, carrying you, and preparing you for His purpose. He is strengthening you so that you can yield His Sword, so that you will have the strength to throw your suitcase and chains into the fire, to lay yourself completely down at His alter.  He is changing you so that you can hear His voice and feel His presence. He is giving you a new soul and a new life in HIM!!!

Psalm 46:10  Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the heathens; I will be exalted in the earth.  

The Tsunami…

Have you ever wanted to just disappear? Have you ever questioned whether or not your life even matter to anyone or stood for anything?  Few people can know the pain that comes with these thoughts, the heartache that accompanies them and the soul that feels like it is being ripped out of your body through the pores of your skin.  When a person loses hope and all they see is a picture of darkness and loneliness never to end; They don’t see the light, they don’t feel the love, they don’t know there is something beautiful just waiting to show up tomorrow or the next minute.  That is the person that is willing to end it all and I do understand that person personally because there have been times in my life where that was the person looking back at me in the mirror.  It is only through mercy and grace that I was able to survive those dark days.

In this journey of a thousand miles through darkness and light you will find paths that lead you in different directions, down many long roads, some are darker than others and each path is extremely personal.  Today’s path for me was a journey into the pit of darkness infested with vines that snake, twist, tangle and whose sole purpose is to choke out the light.  Thoughts that want to take up residence, build a fortress and stay.  Today was a battle but I know that tomorrow is a new day and tomorrow brings hope.

The mind is the devil’s playground.  He will use any means necessary to stop you in your tracks especially when you are on the path for the One who matters.  He will use any means necessary to pull you back into the darkness, back into the pit of hell.  Today was a tsunami that has threatened my peace and my joy; that pulled me into a battle I was not prepared for and a battle that I didn’t see coming.

Today, was a day I haven’t had in a very long time; a day where the battle raged from the minute I woke up and as I write this the devil has finally decided to leave the battle ground.  The last few months have been the most amazing few months of my life and my journey.  I ran full on into a love for my Father I never could have imagined and in His arms I found the love of my life; and a joy and peace I never would have thought possible.  I’ve been baptized and confirmed in the Holy Ghost, I have found a resurrection, mountain moving, healing kind of power in my Father and I know that every prayer is answered.  I know because He has said He will give us what we ask for in pray.  His word is true, dependable and rock hard.  He doesn’t waver or waffle and He never changes what His word says.

Matthew 21:22   And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive.

My battle was the battle for the soul and a battle to stop me from walking with my Father.  I felt like I was in complete darkness, drowning in an ocean of pain and loneliness.  The devil said you don’t matter to ANYONE!  He said you are going to be just like this; alone for the rest of your life.  Your friends and family might for a second be sad you’re not here but they’ll just keep on moving along with no thought to you what so ever. You do not matter.

It made me questioned my ability to hold on in the fire and my ability to trust in my Father because I promised my Father that I would never turn away from him.  The battle made me question if my life was even worth it because I have promised that the rest of my life I will follow HIM.  The devil said there is nothing you can do or will do because I have promised to do what He asks me to do.  The Holy Ghost confirmed last weekend that I will do what God has called me to do.  I will help others heal, I will speak of His life, His glory, His power and the miracles He has done in my life.   He confirmed things that I haven’t spoken out loud to another soul ever.  He promised that If I walk out onto the water and believe in HIM; he will complete what He started in me years ago.

Matthew 14:29

And he said, Come. And when Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus.

I have over the last year been at peace, joyful and filled with His grace and I am consumed with my love for Him.  I’ve asked my Father to move me aside to do what He needs to do in my life, to use my life, my experiences to help others find their way to him.  I’ve asked Him to become my eyes, my hands, my feet, my body and my soul so that He can use me.  I’ve dreamed of a place where healing takes place, I’ve see His feet in front of mine, I’ve read His true word and believe that He created everything in this universe, I believe that He still performs miracles because I’ve experienced them myself.  I’ve am so thankful for the healing He has done in my own life.  I’ve said many times that He brought me back to life after I died in the desert.   I breathe because He said it is possible to breathe, I live because He said it is possible to live, I Love because He said it is possible to Love.  I hope because He said it is possible to Hope.   The very essence of me is all wrapped up in who my Father is and He is the ONE who created it all.

I am so thankful that I have a Father that isn’t inside a box, that doesn’t live in Religion; He isn’t inside my head, He isn’t my imagination, He is so much more than words can ever describe.  He is alive, He is real and He is my Gladiator, He is my Centurion, He is the one who holds me in one hand and fights my battles with the other.  So no matter what the day held for me, no matter that today the devil was able to torment, taunt and torture me the night ends with me knowing who I belong to and that every mountain, every valley, every difficulty, every sickness, every hurt, pain, agony or sadness is already defeated.  Thank you Father for your mercy!

Psalm 118:1    Oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; for his steadfast love endures forever!


The Letter

Have you loved someone so deeply, so fully that the thought of that person can bring you to tears?   Tears of joy, tears of peace, tears of love; a pastor told me this weekend to never worry about my tears again because God bottles them up and keeps them in a sacred place.  Have you loved someone so deep and so fully that the very thought of that person not being in your life every day, every second could bring you to the edge of life?  Have you loved them so deeply and so fiercely that all you want for them is to have all their dreams, all their desires, all their wants to be complete?

I like most people love music, it speaks to the very core of who I am.  I can’t sing a note, I can’t write a lyric and I can’t play an instrument much to my utter disappointment.  (On a side note I am a secret “rock star” in my house and in my car.)  Honestly, I don’t love all music and I have phases I go through where certain styles of music touch me more than others but none the less music has always spoken to me.   Like many of us it has gotten me through some very difficult times.  It will always be an anchor in my storms, it will always be like the rain and cleanse my soul as it washes over me.

I know that it can heal a broken heart, I know that it can help heal a sick body, it can lift you up or bring you down.  It is one of the instruments God gave us because it is extremely powerful and it speaks to us at a level beyond our physical mind and body.  Gifts are given by our creator and we are all given natural abilities some are given business acumen, some are given gifts of science and biology, some are given the gift of poetry, some are given the gift of music, of writing, of teaching, of preaching, of speaking, of working with the elderly or the sick.  These are all gifts that come directly from our Father to fulfill His purpose in our lives and on this earth.  I believe that we are all born with gifts; things that come easily to us but we still have to develop them, practice and take the time for them.

Corinthians 12:7-11 English Standard Version (ESV)        

To each is given the manifestation of the Spirit for the common good. For to one is given through the Spirit the utterance of wisdom, and to another the utterance of knowledge according to the same Spirit, to another faith by the same Spirit, to another gifts of healing by the one Spirit, 10 to another the working of miracles, to another prophecy, to another the ability to distinguish between spirits, to another various kinds of tongues, to another the interpretation of tongues. 11 All these are empowered by one and the same Spirit, who apportions to each one individually as he wills.

My Father needed me to listen, He needed to get my attention, He needed me to finally get it; so He orchestrated this incredible “meeting” of the one soul who could and would bring me fully back to Him.

Our Father knows us so fully, so deeply, so well that He knew exactly what it would take to get me to open myself up to His love so that He could fulfill His purpose in me.  He knew exactly what He was doing when He orchestrated a chance meeting of two souls.  He used the door way of music, which at the time was the only one that wasn’t completely locked down to Him.  Through my experience I know that He will move the heavens and the earth to get to even one of His lost souls.  He will come looking for you no matter where you’re at, who you think you are or where you think you are going.  Once you are His, He never leaves you.

Deuteronomy 31:8 New International Version (NIV)

The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”

I understand today that I have always been His; I just chose to think I wasn’t.  The minute He spoke to me as a nine or ten-year-old girl and said “Come to me”. I was already His.  The devil has a way of coming in and doing his best to stop us from walking in the full upright power of our Father.  He uses our current situation, he uses the people around us, He uses the yolks from past generations to lie, to steal and to pull you away from the power of our Father.  Why?  because he knows when we walk in the power of our Father nothing is impossible, no mountain, no roadblocks, can stop the fulfillment of His Glory.  There is nothing that can stop God from doing what needs to be done for His purpose, His glory and no matter how far you go, no matter what you do or have done, no matter your current situation.  Your name was written on His heart and everything, every word, every act can be turned around and used for His purpose.

God can turn anyone into His disciple for His purpose:

Acts 9: 1 & 20 

9 And Saul, yet breathing out threatening’s and slaughter against the disciples of the Lord, went unto the high priest… 20 And straightway he preached Christ in the synagogues, that he is the Son of God.

My experiences in this life have all been for me to fully understand the absolute complete power of my Father.  I was born into a family that by peoples’ standards weren’t worth the ground we walked on.  I was a child thrown away, we were dirt poor, there were times that I can remember when we didn’t have shoes, we were dirty because we didn’t have running water or food to eat, we were the lowest of the low and everyone in that little town in the country knew it.  They knew my birth parents, they knew what my mother did and they knew my father.   That was the family I was born into but that isn’t the family I was created from.

The devil said you aren’t worthy my entire life no one wants you, your own blood threw you away, even the foster mother you love so much doesn’t want you, you see; you are worthless, why would you think anything different.   Yes… those words, and the actions of others lead me to believe that I wasn’t.  I didn’t believe that anyone could love me the way I needed to be loved, so I looked for it in the wrong places and it became about WORKS and what you DO in life instead of the relationship with our Father and loving myself because I was created to be more than what I was born into.   

John 10:27-29King James Version (KJV)

27 My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me:28 And I give unto them eternal life; and they shall never perish, neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand.29 My Father, which gave them me, is greater than all; and no man is able to pluck them out of my Father’s hand.

I now know that God gave me a person whose passion, gift and love is his music because my Father knows my soul.  He knows that music moves me into places I can never go by myself.  It moves the mountains of doubt for me, it is through music that I can get into the presence of my Father and it is through music that I get inspired.

God brought this amazing soul into my world because He knew exactly the person my soul has longed for; He knew when I didn’t.  When your life is restored, naturally your perspective changes; you begin to truly see the beauty that surrounds you, you begin to understand what the word miracle means and you begin to experience and be aware that miracles are surrounding you every day; even in the simple everyday walk of life.  You see the beauty in all of His creations, you see the beauty in the heavens and in the faces of the people you come in contact with.  You hear and see the beauty in the long winter days and the long summer nights.  You begin to hear how alive our world is and you begin to understand how precious every creation is.

John 1:3 NIV   3: Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made.

This one person walking into my life ordained by God has been a miracle for me.  It’s a miracle of what love looks like, it’s a miracle of what it feels like to brush against a soul and not ever want to be separated from that soul again.  It’s a miracle in the amount of love that grows when its fed by God, when He breathes life into love and when He walks with you both.  He opens the doors to a whole world you as a person could never imagine.  He throws open the eyes of the soul and that is the lens you forever look through.

When God says I found you and I need you, He walks into your life, throws open the doors to heaven and your entire world shifts enough so that two souls can meet for his purpose!

I never dreamed it would be so incredibly beautiful, I never dreamed my soul would sigh and breathe again.  I didn’t realized until recently that I have been holding my breath my entire life just waiting for you.  I never dreamed that my heart would skip a beat in your presence or that I would miss you the second you left.  I never dreamed that I could love someone other than my children so much that I would want to take all your pain, all your hurts, or that I would want to heal and shield you from all of life’s sorrows.  I never dreamed I would want to hold your soul gently in my hands.  I never dreamed I would love you until I draw my last breath and even then I will love you through eternity.  I never dreamed that once I finally understood that I love my Father so completely, so thoroughly, so deeply that He would allow me to feel this kind of bone deep love of another.  It is the Love I have for Him that overflows into the love I have for you.


I am on my knees grateful for my experiences in this life because it has allowed me to know the true miracle of a love I never knew could exist.   Thank you for a love that I never imagined possible. Thank you for a world where I can see through the eyes of another soul the beauty of life in just walking and talking.  Thank you for the healing that has taken place for me to believe in you, in your power, in your love. Thank you for the beauty of enjoying the simple act of looking at the stars and just being with each other. Thank you for the gift of his presence which makes me feel complete; it’s like the last puzzle piece of a body and soul that has been missing.  It is the fulfillment of a prayer I didn’t even know I had until he walked in…..

Psalm 37:4

 4: Delight thyself also in the Lord; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.

The Bridge

I went on a road trip to see my sister in Kansas City this past weekend and during the 8 plus hour drive I finally understood how thorough our Father’s healing has been.

What began with me getting healthy, mind, body and soul became me walking into the arms of Jesus full heartedly.   I cannot pin point the exact day and time that this particular healing took place.  It has been a process much like learning to walk again.  If you ever had to relearn something you can understand the frustration when your body doesn’t do what it is supposed to do.  The frustration when the mind tells the limbs to move and they don’t do it as quickly or as easily as they once did.  This frustration and anger can be overwhelming to our humanness.  My personal healing process has been slow and steady; little by little.   It has been putting one foot front in front of the other in all areas of my life.

It has become about finding my balance and cutting out anything negative that would have a chance to harm me or to plant a seed of doubt, worry, anxiety or FEAR!  It took the extreme action of me putting and keeping a centurion at the gate to deflect and a filter in which to look at the world.   It has become about learning to unpack my suitcase, piece by piece and letting go layer upon layer of old beliefs that were created by others about my value, my worth and who I was.

It has become about letting go of things that the world says are so important.  It has been about my journey to not only finding me but loving me through God’s eyes.  It has become about opening my heart to love and then laying that Love at the altar for God to breathe life into it and to hold it in His hands.  It has become about learning to surrender and give freely of myself.  It has become about learning to give every single piece of me; heart and soul back to the one who created me to begin with.  It continues to be about me learning to lay my mind, soul and body down and then leave it at His feet.  It is where I am the safest and the most loved.

I realized this weekend that I am;  as of today anxiety free.  I’m no longer walking in the shadow of fear, doubt and worry.

I am so thankful that when He heals; He heals completely.  I’ve spent most of my adult life being completely afraid of driving over bridges; among many other things. I lived in fear, anxiety and worry; afraid I would do something wrong or say something wrong.  The irony is that everything I did was wrong, everything I said was wrong, nothing was ever good enough and it never could have been because God wasn’t the first, center or the last.

Psalm 91:14-15 New International Version (NIV)

14 “Because he[a] loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. 15 He will call on me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him.”

Driving over bridges especially long tall ones would literally cause me to have a panic attack.  My heart would race, my hands would sweat, at the worst I would literally want to crawl into the floor board of the car and stay there.  I would sink as far down into my seat as I could and close my eyes until I was on the other side.  It was unbearable at times but as with everything in my former life, I had to learn how to shove my feelings and my reactions down deep and put it behind the brick wall I had built for myself over the years.    I learned for my own well-being to hide my feelings and my reactions otherwise I was ridiculed and made of fun; my panic,  my anxiety was funny and just another tool in which to hurt me.

Proverbs 15:4

“The soothing tongue is a tree of life, but a perverse tongue crushes the spirit. “

So today like so many miracles I’ve personally experienced in the last 2 and half years I am thankful and full of praise for a Father that heals all, completely and fully!

It’s been a process and each day brings new life and new revelations about how deep this healing has been; in Jesus we are made new.

It gives me a chance to do my life better than the day before.  My goal in this life is to live every second in surrender to my Father, my healer, my deliverer and my provider.  I am not naturally very good at following; being born the first of five, being those siblings mother at a very early age, being the mother of 4 and grandmother of 4, being a business owner and manager.  I much prefer the role of leader but I will until my last breath follow my Father.

I was the one who turned away because I was so tired, I was so weary, I let go of the hand that was holding me in the darkness because I had not an ounce of strength left.   I was the definition of dried up dead bones.  I didn’t want to breathe, I didn’t want to see the sunrise or the sunset.  I couldn’t see the beauty that surrounded me.  If I would have had the strength or the ability I would have ended my own life in those years of agony.  Thank God that years of being in the church stopped me from doing that and somewhere in my soul I knew I didn’t want to hurt my children that way.

However, He like all good Fathers was just waiting for the battle worn and bleeding daughter to return!  I let go of Him but He never let go of me!    Who would have known that an invite to church on Christmas Day 2016 would be the door that got thrown wide open for me?    I walked into church and have never look back.  Who would have known that June 4th, 2016 I would be baptized and that a year later I would be writing about my deep love of my Father and sharing with women about the grace, mercy and love He has for them and for you!

He is the center of my world; He is the first and He is the last.  He has blessed me beyond anything I could ever imagine with a family I love more because of my love of him, with healing that is true restoration and everlasting.  He has blessed me with a grateful soul for every single person in my life and the ability to see the beauty of all the things He created.  He has blessed me with looking through His eyes to see the soul of others.  He has blessed me with true compassion for others and a desire to help others find their way to Him!

He has blessed me with the tremendous love for another; the kind of love that has become soul deep and that grows every day, every minute, every second because I love my Father so fiercely.   He has blessed me with complete trust and faith in Him!

I am not worthy but by your grace I am made new!

Ephesians 2: 8.  For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith–and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God–

Do you have bridges in your life that cause you to want to melt into the floor, to turn away; to not experience the full joy of life?  Those anxieties, those fears, those worries, they are the distraction.  They distract you from your purpose in this life and that is to love the Father with all your heart, all your mind, all your body and all your soul.  It is a distraction from the promises God has made that HE is for you and not against you.  Those worries, fears and anxieties will and can be healed through Jesus.

His healing is so thorough that something so insignificant as being afraid to drive over a bridge can completely vanish and be replaced with complete joy and glory for HIM!

Isaiah 64:8

“But now, O, Lord, you are our Father; we are the clay, and you are our potter; we are all the work of your hand.”



The Suitcase….

I recently had an experience that rocked me to my knees that brought anguish like I have never experienced before all because of a misunderstanding and a desire to protect those I love.  Since I was a child I was always put in the role of being the protector, the provider, the helper, the mother.  I had to protect my brothers and sisters from those who wanted to hurt them, I had to be my birth mother’s protector and way home from her nights of drinking and men.   I was at a very early age the one who took care of, who feed, bathed and got us all to school.  I was the one who stood in the way when others would want make fun of or hurt my siblings.  My birth grandmother told me many times, Marie you have to take care of you brothers and sisters.  You have to take care of your mother because she cannot take care of you or herself.  All of those labels and roles lead back to being the one who stands in place of another.

As a mother I made sure that my children did not suffer the childhood that I suffered.  I wasn’t however able to protect them from it all.  As I wasn’t able to protect my siblings from it all.   They will carry the scars and the baggage of a home that was broken, of a home that wasn’t the safest place for them emotionally.  As children and adults we all need a safe place, a place where we know that no harm will come to us no matter what.  A sanctuary where there is only love, where you feel completely 100% secure in the knowledge that you are accepted for who you are, scars, wounds and all.  I wasn’t able to create that for my children or my siblings.  In our relationships we need and deserve the same thing, an acceptance of who we are completely and love that is unconditional.  I know because I have had the greatest opportunity to experience loving someone unconditionally, loving them more each day that the day before, missing them the second they are gone and only wanting what is best for them, even if it that doesn’t include me.  This kind of ability to love is God-given and I am beyond grateful that once in this life I’ve experienced this depth of love for another.

In reality God is the only one who will accept you with all your brokenness, all your wounds and all your scars.  He will in fact heal every single one of them.  We let each other down, we fail miserably in our daily lives and we hurt those we love with our best of intentions.  I have let people down daily, I have hurt those I love without even meaning to, and I have failed miserably every day.  Thank God for His grace because I am graceless.

I carry like everyone else labels and hurts from my childhood, my past experiences, my failures (which are many) and my successes.  It is our experiences in this life that mold our views, that come with us into new experiences, that ultimately determine our path in life, our past experiences good or bad gives us a framework of who we think we are in this world and gives us a lens with which we use to look at the people and situations in our daily lives.

I know the power in a name or a label.  There is life or death in the spoken word.   “Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.” Proverbs 18:21   We often times fall back on what our family name is or just because I’m a child of so and so; I am always going to be worthless.  Some people think they are better than everyone else because of their name.  What we need to understand is that God is the Father to us all and He is the only one that matters, not our earthly parents.  God will always carry us, He will always provide for us, He will always protect us. He will always be for our good, He will fight our battles with one hand and carry us in the other.

At the core of me I am a protector and at this point I’ve realized I am a warrior in the spirit.  I will meet you with kindness, love and compassion in the natural but in the spirit I am a warrior that will stand in your place, I will battle for those that can’t do it for themselves and I will meet whatever I need to head on.  Yes, I am fearful.  I am afraid like the rest of us that I will fail, like I have so many times in my past.  I am afraid to show the depth of my love, because I’m not worthy of it in return.  Yes, I am doubtful of what I am supposed to do. These are all the things in my suitcase that make it very difficult to carry but the alternative is unimaginable and that is a life without those I love to the very depths of me.  So I will fight for those I love, I will meet my demons head on and I will not stop until my suitcase has been torched at the altar never more to be picked up again.

I asked myself today, what is in my suitcase?   Do you ever ask yourself what is in your suitcase? Do you, like me, take the items out and look at them, read them, feel them, breath them in and then ever gently place them back in the suitcase, then take it up and carry it around with you.

Mine is heavy, worn and battered, the scars and wounds on the leather are deep and bleeding.   This journey that I’ve been on has brought me so much joy in my heart, a healing in my spirit, a restoration of a life I never thought possible.  Over the course of the last 2 years I have burned a tremendous amount of old beliefs, and old ways.  I have torched many things and I have put safe guards in place to keep my mind, my spirit and my body protected.  It has brought me to who I was always meant to be.  A person who loves life, who wants to experience and be present with those around me, who protects at all cost those that I love.   A person who will not conform to the ordinary but who believes in a God so powerful that one brush of His spirit will deliver you and me.

I know that He has asked me to listen for His voice I know that He has asked me to believe in Him from the very depths of my being.  I know that He has called an unworthy person to help others.  How I do not know as of yet, when I don’t know that either, but I will believe until my last breath.  If that is today or tomorrow it matters not because I’ve done what was asked.  I’ve walked into the water, I’ve moved, I’ve dreamed and I believe.  I’ve emptied my suitcase of many things and I intend to keep emptying it and surrounding it at the feet of Jesus who is the only one can heal the wounds and the scars completely.  Jesus knows that deep inside of me is a power and strength that I never thought I would ever have.  I never thought I would wake up each day and know that I was created to be different to believe differently to have such an overwhelming desire to help others through sharing my own story.

I will continue to move forward to my dreams and my destiny and I will fight for those I love and the stories I am asked to tell.  I will fight for my dreams and will fight to stay connected to my Father.  I cannot live without Him, I cannot breathe without Him and I cannot move without Him.

I’ve taken the steps that I needed to take to walk out into my river.  I’ve leapt over the cliff and let go of a job that was keeping me from my true path.  Since I have done that however every creeping doubt and fear has taken up residence in my mind.   When we are at our strongest we will be attacked at our weakest.  If you are like me in any way my spirit is where Satan tries to attack.  He tells me I’m not worthy, he tells me I am not healed, he tells me I am crazy to think that I could help anyone, he tells me I will not do anything.  He says look at where you came from who do you think you are you are nothing BUT unworthy.  He wants to twist, lie and destroy the love of another.  He uses any means he can, he uses our past experiences to twist, he uses our doubts to whisper lies, he’ll use the love that God gave to put doubt in your mind about the strength and depth of it.  He’ll tell you anything to bring destruction.

I thank God that I have a strong support system, I thank God that He has put people in my life that when it is the hardest to pray, when it’s the hardest to breath, when it’s the hardest to live; that I have someone I trust completely to remind me to pray, to remind me to surrender, to remind to write.  Someone who will hold my hand as I do so.  Who will come into pray with me and be my strength when I can’t say anything other than please God take this anguish, take this broken woman and have mercy.  Have mercy…. Father.

The only way to the other side of fear and doubt is to face it head on and walk right on through it.  The only way I can get through the doubt and fear that wants to stop me is to conquer it.  I will surrender every part of my suitcase until there is nothing left to surrender, I don’t care how many times I have to go back and empty it.  I will burn every piece of the doubt and fear till there is nothing left to burn.  I will burn them on the altar and I will not pick up the ashes and carry them.

What are you going to do with what is in your suitcase?  Aren’t you tired of carrying it around I know how heavy mine is.  How heavy is yours?  Ask God to take it and let me be honest with you sometimes it takes more than once, twice or three times to surrender all the labels, all the anguish, all the hurt, all the wounds, all the self-doubt, all the fear and every single ounce of the suitcase.

It may take doing it bit by bit or you may the one that can pick the suitcase up and throw onto the fire surrendering it all at once.  Either way it must be surrendered and left at the bottom of the cross.  This is a process and the emptying of your suitcase that is overstuffed from life takes time and determination.  It takes the willingness to be courageous and brave in the face of fear and meet it head on.  It takes leaning on the Father when you don’t think you’ll be able to do it and in my humbleness for pain and doubt that was not my intention it takes holding onto the hand of the one you love and saying I’m sorry.

2 Corinthians 12:9-9

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.

The River

I am amazed daily of how much I didn’t understand until now and how much I still do not understand.  However, it is like God has switched the station and I am tuned to His frequency.   I have heard the story of the crossing of the Jordan many times but never has it meant so much to me personally until recently.  I feel much like the Israelites; I too have lived many years wandering the desert.  I remember very clearly years ago asking God to please bring me out of the desert and like the Israelites He delivered me.  He brought me to Tennessee where He allowed me to heal, where He has shown me so quickly His power, His strength, His will, His Joy, His Peace, His mercy, His Grace.  Like the many times in the bible where He touched someone and miracles happened I feel very much like that in my own life.  He touched the blind and they could see, the lame could walk and the deaf could hear.  I can see, I can walk and I can hear.

He took me out of my desert and gave me a love for Him like I have never had.  He didn’t condemn or destroy me for all the times I had turned away, for all the times I didn’t see, for all the times I couldn’t hear.  I had locked myself up so securely that I couldn’t see past the walls.  I threw away the key so I couldn’t get myself out and I wasn’t sure I could walk out much less crawl.  However, by mercy I took one small step, I took one breath and He managed to grab my hand because I moved.  It is by Grace and His mercy on a beaten and torn soul that I am healed not only healed but restored to newness.  He took the old beaten up, worn out, twisted, scared child and woman and breathed new life into her.

God knows I don’t deserve any of the grace and mercy but I am so grateful for it.  I would not be the person I am right now if He hadn’t blown away every single thing to make a way for Him.  I died and He brought me back to life.  So as I take a huge leap of faith this week I have to ask myself.  What is my Jordan? Why am I waiting to cross? How long am I going to keep wandering the desert because of fear, anxiety, depression, anger, uncertainty, in security, doubt?

God wants us to take the first step into the river! Are you ready? Can you hear Him calling you?  Do you feel him reaching for you?

‘When you reach the banks of the Jordan River, take a few steps into the river and stop there.'” Joshua 3:8 

I’m asking you what is your Jordan? What is the step you want to take to make a change in your life, in your current situation, in your spiritual walk, in your physical health, in your mental wellbeing?  What is your river?  What is stopping you?

We all have one, two, three or more; did you know that when we take the first step we are confirming our faith in our Father and He will do all the rest?  In other words, when you take the first step you are taking the step right into your miracle.  You get to choose; you get to decide you have the power.  We need to move for Him to move.

I asked myself this question today what is my Jordan? What step am I not taking to get to my Father and my purpose.  My Jordan’s are many and my rivers are deep.  They have been a lifetime in the making and they are my weakness and my strengths. it is the fear of not living a life that God is creating for me, it’s not fulfilling my purpose, it is the fear of not being able to provide for my family, it is the fear of not helping others find their way, it is not trusting, it is doubt.

I am thankful that for today I have the strength, the believe and the faith to know that tomorrow I am taking the first step and that He will make the way and provide all that I need and more.

I have always been a writer.   I have used writing as an outlet for pain, childhood trauma, heartache, depression.  It has brought me tremendous amounts of relief and I pray as this journey continues that someone will find peace, strength and comfort in my written words.  If nothing else to know that you are not alone in your darkness; that there is calm in the storm and that all you have to do is reach for the invisible hand in the darkness and your safety net shows up.

I see the beauty of the written word, I feel the love of ever letter, every comma, every period and the quietness in between the words.  I feel the love that ebbs and flows through the written word.  Words has always meant more to me than anything said.

When I read something it brings a picture to mind very quickly.  It is very much like a song that you can’t stop listening too.  Music can bring you joy, it can bring you to tears, it can run along you skin and give you chills.  Words are magical and I know that is why God chose His Word to be everlasting, never-failing and forever more!  He says His Word will never cease to exist.   There is power in the written word!

“Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will never pass away” Mathew 24:35

So, I ask you what is your Jordan?  Are you ready to take the first step to get to your destiny?  I know without a doubt that if you do take the first step God will have you all the way, when we step into the river in faith He makes the way where there is no way.   His Word which is never-failing, never-changing, never-ending says so!  It is empowering to know without a doubt, without a fear, without a second thought that you and I have a promise that can’t be broken as we believe in faith all of His promises for the first step into the Jordan!

Day 77 to Transformation

“The priests who carried the ark of the covenant of the LORD stopped in the middle of the Jordan and stood on dry ground, while all Israel passed by until the whole nation had completed the crossing on dry ground.”  Joshua 3:17 



My Church….

I grew up in the church, some of my earliest memories are of going to church with my birth grandmother.  We left my birth home at the age of 8 so I was probably 3 – 7 years old.    I remember the church people always trying to get my birth mother to attend and to be saved.   God was with us even in those early childhood moments of hurt and abuse.  He wrapped my mind, my spirit and my soul up in his LOVE and protection so that I could use the experience of my story to help others walk out of their darkness.

In my foster families care we attended a beautiful small country Methodist church were, the men sat on one side and the women and children on the other.  We had old-fashioned revivals every year, we had potlucks after church and on special occasions, we had Sunday School every week where we learned about Jesus.  Our piano player was Mrs. Gentry and when she wasn’t there we sang from the Hymnal a cappella.  My all-time favorite song is and will always be” I’ll Fly Away”, and I hope that when I leave this earth to go home that it will be the song that will lift me on angel wings to my eternal home.  We did not have central heat or air, we were hot in the summer and cold in the winter, we had an outhouse as our bathroom.  I loved revival week and I loved going to church on Sunday with my Foster Mom and Dad.  I loved being in his presence and felt it strongly in that small beautiful place.

Once we were adopted we attended a Lutheran Church and then for 20 plus years my family attended a Catholic Church where I was leader of different groups and helped every year with vacation bible school.

I grew up believing in Jesus.  However, somewhere along the way my belief in him got watered down, somewhere along the way after years of what I thought was unanswered prayers I eventually divorced and started my journey to healing.  I couldn’t feel anything and I know that I had no belief system at that point, it along with me had disappeared under the weight of emotional trauma, anger and hatred.   My church, I said was the trail, running, or anything and anywhere where Religion was not.

So, I packed my bags and traveled down the road to Buddha, trying to find peace and some understanding of why, trying to heal the toxic, cancer ridden life I had led for so long.  Even today, I learned just how much I could not SAVE my children from the emotional harm that comes from anger and hatred.  So, as I see the story from down the road, I see the hand of God in each step.  Yes, it was beyond toxic.  Yes, I was programmed at an early age to think and accept that abuse as long as it wasn’t physical is ok even acceptable.

It didn’t happen every day so somehow I talked myself into believing it was just a phase, it will get better, he’s just stressed the excuses go on and on.  We were providing for our kids, they had access to whatever they wanted to do, we did dance, gymnastics, horseback riding, we had very nice homes, and cars, and we were doing so well from the outside.  The problem comes when the image doesn’t fit the reality.  We had lost friendships over the reality and we had lost ourselves somewhere in that false world.  We had the image of a successful family except for the cycle of abuse for me and my children.  I prayed for years for God to stop the hurt and it would stop for a short period of time and we could all breathe again; we could be somewhat happy for a minute.

Somewhere along the way, about 10 years ago it just completely stopped getting better.   Maybe it was the stress of a job or maybe it was because I stopped praying.  Maybe it was because I had built the wall so strong and so high and I wasn’t letting anything in not even Jesus.  My spirit was dying in the darkness, I could see no light and as I begged for the pain to end he showed me mercy and brought an end to my time in the desolate desert.

Surprisingly enough, as I carried my worn out soul and all my baggage down the road and knocked on Buddha’s door that is where I found my way back to God and a week ago in my home in Tennessee I found my way back to Jesus.  I am in awe of how much this year has brought me.  Jesus wanted me back for His purpose, Lord knows I cannot fathom why.   This spiritual journey happened all by his hand through an invitation on Christmas Day and that is all it took to throw open the door of Forgiveness, Grace, Mercy, Peace and Joy!

For all the baggage I have dropped, lost and thrown down God has replaced with more depth and joy that I could ever imagine.  He has healed a heart so completely that I am able to have pure love for another soul.   I can see the beauty in the souls and world around me, I can see beyond the outer shell into the heart of a person.  He has given me peace like I have never known, He has given me mercy through forgiveness, He has opened my ears so that I can hear Him, He is opening my eyes so that I can see Him, He has healed my soul so thoroughly that I don’t even recognize the person in the mirror.  I feel his presence so strongly and so purely that I know without a doubt that I never want to be separated from Him ever again not even for a second.

I believe in this incredible supernatural, spiritual world so much so that I just want to walk in it every second of forever.   I have been told to “walk on the water” for months now.  I have cried tears of joy, sorrow and fear while He has told me what He wants me to do.  I have been holding on for the sign that it’s time to step out of the boat towards him.  If I were to die tomorrow, tonight, in the next few seconds, I can say with all of myself that I am ready.  I believe in you God, I believe in you Jesus, I believe in you the Holy Spirit.  I know that Jesus is my Savior it is only through Him that I can even be blessed in this life and eternally.

So, during my run the other morning, I had two things of significance happen.  I spiritually saw Jesus’ footsteps running in front of my own and I felt Him say to me that I go in front of you to clear the way.   He is my and your way maker, to fully understand and see Him making the way, we have to be open for the signs, our ears have to be open to hear, and our spirit has to be open to receive and understand what He is saying to us.  As I was running I did not realize that the path was flooded from all the rain we’ve had.  The entire path was covered in the water from the creek and I could not see how deep it was. (I cannot swim and drowning is a real thought in my head when it comes to water of any kind) So I decided to cut across the baseball field.  The entire field was soaking wet and water was puddling on the field.  I know, don’t ask me why I didn’t turn around, but all I can say is the path looked clearer across the field, and in the spiritual world I know that this was Jesus showing me that I could and would literally “walk on the water” for Him.  My eyes were on His footsteps and He was guiding my way!

As a young child I saw Jesus at the foot of my bed, He said to me: Come to me, Marie. and as I put my foot down on the floor to go to him, the king size bed that Angela and I were in came crashing down.  I vividly remember that night and I vividly remember that around that time I had said I will not believe in Him unless I can see Him.  I know He blessed a young girl and I know He has blessed the woman she has become.  My soul beats for you Jesus, my heart sings for you, and this body, this mind, this spirit is yours! I know my path, I know you are working to make the way and each day I am grateful for every ounce of mercy, grace and forgiveness you have shown me.  I don’t deserve an ounce of it.  I don’t deserve to feel you, see you, or have this love for you, in my darkness I turned away and in my darkness I said I don’t believe.  I let go of you but THANK YOU Jesus that you never let go of me.   Why?  I will know the fullness of that answer some day!

Today, the cross I wear bears new meaning and today I worship every ounce of who you are, what you did for all of us, you are the ultimate sacrifice.  You alone are worthy of my praise!  Today, as on June 4, 2017, I surrender my life to you, it is no longer my own.  I surrender my heart, my mind, my soul, my spirit, my body, my hands, my feet, my eyes, my ears, my mouth! I surrender all of me to you Jesus!

Lead the way, I will follow! I will “walk on the water”, I will climb the mountain, I will go through the desert, I will run to you always! I will seek you every second of every day! I will praise you, I will worship you, I will speak and write every word for you!  I am yours Lord!

So, Today I ask you? What is your path, what is your personal journey?  What are you holding onto?  Like me did you decide at some point that it was no longer in your best interest to follow a God who seemingly turned his back on you?  Did your belief in Christ get watered down by RELIGION?  Did you or have you found yourself locked in the darkness with no way out?

Give me your hand, give me your heart Jesus says:  I will pick you up and carry you!  I am here always!  I have never left you, I will not forsake you ever.  Can you hold onto that truth?  He (Christ, Jesus, Our King) is the way, He is the truth, He is the Light, He is the Path, He is the ultimate Journey!  Cry out to Him in your darkness, in your desert; He’ll come charging in to grab you!  He alone has the power to pluck you right out of any pit of darkness and LET ME SAY THIS:     HE WILL!  He did for me and I am not worthy at all, He’ll do it for you!

Day 78 to Transformation!

John 14:6

6 Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.